


I Believe, I Believe in the Things You Do

by tomfoolery14



Series: Dialogue Prompts [10]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Character Study, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues, True and Unconditional Love Heals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 09:31:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17506046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: Falling in love was a long and tumultuous road for Alec, but now it feels like home.





	I Believe, I Believe in the Things You Do

**Author's Note:**

> written for the dialogue prompt "you're it for me."

It was jarring for Alec when he let himself really think about how entirely reoriented his world had become since Magnus became a part of it.

For his whole life leading up to the second that change was set in motion, he had one foot in utter darkness and one foot in reality—and reality was losing. Every day he felt like he was closer to being swallowed whole by the dark. He knew he should be terrified of the idea, but there was something kind of welcoming for him about the vast, deep, nothingness that called to him. It had a siren song that was tailor made for him, beckoning him closer with an almost irresistible seduction. It didn’t feel threatening to no longer exist; it felt like the only way he could finally ease the heavy burdens from his shoulders and lay them down for good.

For so long, he’d been living for everyone but himself. Everyone else’s feelings and thoughts and expectations were more important than his own, even when it came down to the value of his life. He had obligations of authority given to him by his mother, he had siblings he was responsible for looking out for, and he had young shadowhunter lives in his hands every time he led a patrol.

Sometimes, on rare occasions, he would treat himself to indulging in the little fantasy of his perfect world he kept tucked away deep in his heart, where it couldn’t be touched by anything or anyone else. He didn’t protect it because he hoped it would come true, but because sometimes it was the only thing that kept him afloat. He would lie in his bed, close his eyes, and imagine the way it might feel if there were someone beside him. How it would feel to feel their fingers caress him—to feel the ravages of war and loss yet still treat him as something precious. How it would feel to have another heartbeat thrumming alongside his that was just as familiar. How it would feel to have one moment, one perfect moment, of relief.

That hand that he pictured resting against him didn’t belong to a woman, it belonged to a man. And it was never long before the happiness of his reverie was overtaken by shame that made his skin crawl.

Each day was another step towards an ambiguous future that Alec wasn’t even sure he wanted.

But then, he felt something he’d never, ever felt before, and it simultaneously terrified and liberated him. He knew he couldn’t run from himself anymore when he felt the way his heart jumped in his chest when he saw Magnus across the room and felt a foreign sense of delight. When their hands touched, smooth against rough, and Alec still felt safe. When Magnus smiled so gently it nearly broke Alec’s heart.

At first, every little advance he made towards Magnus felt like it could be the last, so what did it matter if he let himself be pulled inexplicable towards the most magnetic presence he’d ever been around? He could get killed on a routine patrol from an injury just outside the purview of an iratze, or he could be promoted to head of the Institute, leading to a chain of events that would force him into a sham of a marriage with someone he could never truly love and children he might resent for reasons he couldn’t forgive.

Things quickly became dangerous, though, when it didn’t stop; he wasn’t smote by lightning or a piano falling on his head. His feelings were outgrowing the corner of his heart where he kept them locked up, and he would have to do something about them. A choice would have to be made, and he couldn’t lie to himself about it anymore.

When he chose Magnus, something inside of him settled. Something he didn’t even know had been wildly uncontrolled like a molecular natural disaster beneath his ribs. Every time he chose Magnus, he was also choosing himself, and that was something he’d never done before. Each time, it became easier, and he hated himself a little bit less.

All at once as he looked over at Magnus across the dinner table, the shadows of the candle flame flickering delicately across his face as if nature itself couldn’t resist revering him in all his glory, Alec realized just how much this incredible, fragile, and beautiful thing meant to him.

_You’re it for me_ , a little voice in the back of Alec’s head whispered, and it wasn’t a terrifying thought at all.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://royaltybane.tumblr.com)


End file.
